Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
