I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
