Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
