Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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