They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
