My Higher Power is John Stamos
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
