I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
