I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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