I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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