life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
