peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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