Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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