I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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