In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
