I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
