I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
