he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
