4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
