dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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