You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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