no, he came in my armpit
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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