If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
