got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
