Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
