To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Can I color on your dick again?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
