If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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