Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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