I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
