Just cropdusted the office
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
