forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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