I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
