YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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