Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
