Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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