Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Randomize
