I accidentally had phone sex last night
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
