dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
