I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
