it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
