My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
