Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I licked your asshole in confidence.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
