how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
