Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
