Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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