somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
