Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
