the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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