well I can't set my house on fire every night
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize