the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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