so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
