I could make wine with my vomit
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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