and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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