just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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