I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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