What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
