We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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