I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
