don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
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My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
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I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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