When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
