so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
