If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
