I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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