Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
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At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
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I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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