whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
