ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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